Last week I saw an ad for “Cuddl Duds”. Much like lululemon, Cuddl Duds makes fantastically comfy leggings, shirts, pants, hoodies, and onesies formfitting enough for you to be taken seriously leaving the house. The days of feeling lazy for wearing sweatpants and cut off t-shirts to work are over. Now you can walk into any occasion feeling just as fab and cozy as a 45 year old first-time mom who “doesn’t have time to take of myself, especially since we hired the full time nanny. Ugh I’m just so stressed out. Can you be fat AND vegan? no, right?” Wahoo! Now let the fun begin. Outfit Assemble Time!
Occasion: Briss
L’chaim! What better time to wrap your body in spandex than a briss. Let’s keep Rabi Goldenstein calm and your appendages on. Anyone could go postal at these things.
Nothing like white and blue to help remind a late blooming 7 year old of the judaism that is bringing scissors and his penis together. Remember never to tie that sweatshirt around your waist, how else will anyone find out you’re wearing size 10 boycut muppets underwear? Now drink til everyone looks catholic! Occasion: Wedding Forget the spanx ladies, you can look better than the bride AND be ready for a nap at the drop of a bouquet. 
A black shirt-dress with leggings, a hobo hat, and red kitchen gloves says, “Thanks for inviting me, I love doing dishes!” And that’s really what being a good friend is about. Remember to cover your shoulders in the church though, you never know when Jesus might decide to tell the bride what you did to the Groom in the life size manger scene at last year’s Couples Christmas Party. Now drink til immaculate inception! Occassion: Funeral I think we know the drill here ladies. Black, black, and more black. And I’m not talking about Wu-Tang Clan.
That dead body might be cold but it doesn’t mean that you have to be too! Black hoodies with leggings and snow boots say just that. Yes, this funeral is a sad ocassion, but can’t it also be a costume party? You’ll be going as the Grimm Reaper of Winter’s Passed. Now drink til it’s your funeral, cuz you’ll die if you want to!
Clearly fashion has taken leaps and bounds before, but nothing like this. This revolution in pajama clothes feels like we’ve stepped into the future. A marvelous future where everyone is a size 6, pregnancy doesn’t make you gain weight, and boobs and butts are the definition of personality.
“One small step for spandex, one giant leap for men’s eyes.” - Hillary Clinton
marlenarodriguez posted this
