***no but really, everyone hates you.

So if you have skin then you probably have student loans. But for those of you who don’t: everyone hates you***. I took out student loans for the same reason as everyone else: I forgot I’d actually have to pay them back.

You see, you get approved for loans and immediately think:

I’m gonna get so educated! True.

I’m gonna get so drunk! True.

I’m gonna be rich when I graduate! False and…graduate? Ha, what a fun word.

All those papers really say is you will pay them back with interest. Done and done. Just sign on the dotted line and “you can be a white person too”. (You have no idea how exciting being like white people is to cubans.)

Fast forward a few years to you wondering why anyone in their right mind would ever borrow a billion dollars to go to college and then work at Taco Taco with Juan Carlos and Jennine The Disowning Farter.

Here’s what the fine print should have said: 

I, ___”too young to be signing this”____, agree to repay the amount of $  ”a trillion dollars”   to this big ass company that mysteriously has no phone number for customer service. I will not be able to claim this debt in my bankruptcy because that would be silly, and if I am unable to complete repayment before death, my children / dog will inherit it. If I fail to make every single payment on time, Jesus Christ will be called to rise again and hunt me down himself. 

Sometimes Most times I will have to eat McDonalds for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, which will be super cool until I can walk in, say “the usual”, and then am given 2 double cheeseburgers, 2 apple pies, and a tub of sweet & sour sauce with a note that says “Let me take care of you - Sincerely, Roberto”.

I will be single, because no one can know that I use my fireplace for function not Feng Shui. I will never go out on Saturdays, because there are no drink specials. And I will walk everywhere, even though I live in the suburbs, with my parents.

BUT ATLEAST I’LL HAVE THAT DEGREE IN FINE ARTS!!!!!

X_____________________________________________________

Probably still would have signed. College is pretty cool.